Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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