in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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