My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize