I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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