My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
