i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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