I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
