Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
