you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
