I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
