I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
