I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i think i scared a bird with my dick
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
