I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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