the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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