I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
