This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
