One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear