I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
