Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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