I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
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He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
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I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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