I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
