i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
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I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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