I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
