I wish I could punch you in the face.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
