were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
