This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
