i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
True strength comes from lack of pants
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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