May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Apparently you make a good broom.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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