The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
