They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
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It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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