I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I love having hate sex.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
