I think im going to throw up on grandma
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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