New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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