I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Randomize
