I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
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Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
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i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...