I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.