Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
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Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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