i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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