I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
