"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
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I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
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I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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