The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
