I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
