I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So many bounce houses so little time
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
