Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
