News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.