Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
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You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
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This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.