fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
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i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize