My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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