today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
