and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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