Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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