I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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